Hello and welcome to a special edition (the first of what I hope to be many) of May I spoon you?! I hope this week finds you well and as always thank you for sharing this space with me.
As I previously mentioned, I am taking a trauma writing course. So far, it has been life-changing. The first week, we were given a task to write a prayer for guidance. We were asked to: write a letter of prayer to someone, something, or a place you can lean on and will protect you. I have decided to share my prayer here.
Weirdly, I decided to write a prayer to my dad. My father passed away in 2013. We were not close. In fact, I had not seen or spoken to him in three years. Sadly, the last time I saw him was during his last moments on earth.
My parents were never married. They separated when I was about 9. The details of this part of my life are a bit off because I have tried to eliminate them from my brain. One day, I will write my complete story, but for now, it is important to note that my childhood was not a happy one. In fact, when my parents separated, I rejoiced. My dad was then in and out of my life. He was never nurturing and frankly, I believe he did not really love me as his child. However, he was loved by so many. I know this because, at his funeral, people were weeping. To this day, people will come up to me and cry on my shoulder and tell me what a great man he was. He was a great man but just not a great father.
So, when I begin thinking about writing a prayer for guidance, I decided to write it to my pa (as I used to call him). As I have gotten older, I have begun to acknowledge his trauma. While I do not excuse him for his shitty parenting style, I do sympathize with his upbringing. He also had a horrible childhood and he grew up in extreme poverty. However, he was a dreamer and a creative. He was also an avid reader. He had a story to tell and unfortunately, he was not able to. I hope to change that. For now, I ask that wherever he is at, he will guide me.
Pa,
I admire your courage that as a child you decided to defend your mother and for that, you paid a terrible price. I wish I could be the universe and turn back time and guide you along a different path. A path that was not full of suffering and pain.
I am so angry with you.
I am angry that you were part of my childhood trauma and never did anything to change it. You stood back and let it all happen. I know you saw my pain. I know you were aware of how difficult home was but yet you did nothing. I wish I knew more about your childhood and your struggles to help get to know you better and understand your actions.
I don’t excuse them.
I don’t know if I will ever forgive you for them.
No matter how much I have wished for it, I cannot turn back time. You yourself had a lot of trauma to deal with and unfortunately never was able to work through it.
I wished I could have saved little Javier.
My heart aches to know that your creative side never saw the light. I ask that you guide me from wherever the universe has decided to place you.
I pray that you help me, guide me.
You understood the power of good storytelling, guide me in this process. I always admired your love for reading and I want you to know that you’re the reason I have fallen in love with books.
Help me write my own.
Thank you for joining me this week and reading my first special edition of May I spoon you?! Vulnerability is hard to practice and putting my writing out into the world is so scary. Yet, I am thankful for your support and encouragement. See you next week, stay safe!