BOUNDARIES + my birthday pledge
Hello and welcome to May I spoon you?! I hope this week finds you well and as always thank you for sharing this space with me.
When emotions are all over the place, it is best to take a step back. Thus, the reason I skipped last week’s edition of May I spoon you? This edition has gone through multiple revisions as I am still not sure what I wanted to share with the world. I promised myself that I would never skip a week. Yet, this week was put to good use as I attended a Substack office hour and am reading Craft in the Real World by Matthew Salesses for Tiny Driver’s book club. Also, like I said I revised, deleted, added, and revised again this week’s edition. THIS past week can be best described as an emotional roller coaster. I laughed, fell off a treadmill, and cried. I’ve cried a lot.
First, last week I went to Orange Theory for the first time. This was also my first time at a gym in about 5 years. My Orange Theory experience will be chronicled in next week’s edition of May I soon you? What I will say now is that it kicked my ass. Actually, my thighs because I had muscle soreness and spasms for about 5 days straight. I could not walk, even lying down was painful.
Next, I had my first nighttime outing this past weekend. I went to a Pride block party with friends. While it was fun and it was amazing being back with friends, my pain was killing me. I could barely walk. My muscle soreness was so bad that my friends would drop me off and pick me up at the door because I was unable to walk. It was embarrassing and frustrating, to say the least. This is not how I expected my first night out to go.
Also, Sunday night, I finished a big freelance project. I am waiting to close up the final details of this project and with their permission, I will post about it soon.
As I am writing this, I can feel a lump in my throat because I want to scream but all I can manage to do is cry. As a child, I’ve always wanted to fix things. I wanted to keep the peace in my family, especially with my parents, and keep them from hurting each other. Tensions were always high with those two in the same room. I felt like I needed to be the protector, the middle man, the referee. My job was to protect my family. It is in my nature and I did not apologize for it. However, I need to understand and respect that you cannot fix everything. The hardest part in all this is to hear that your help was at times not needed in fact it did more harm than good. This is hard to hear, especially when it comes from a loved one. Some don’t want the help and it is so hard to hear that because you believe you have their best interest at heart.
The hardest thing for me is learning to step back and let them figure it out on their own. This is not easy, but it is something I am working on every day. I would be lying if I said the change will happen overnight. But I am making an effort every day of what I say and how I say it.
The emotional roller coaster keeps me up at night. I go from anger to sadness to anger again but ultimately I feel anguish. I believe it is a natural feeling for a fixer to feel anguish when they cannot do anything about a certain situation. I’ve asked myself what I could have done to prevent the situation. What was the exact moment everything went to shit? How did I not prevent this? I’m a fixer! Yet, I circle back and have come to the conclusion that an individual’s actions have consequences. Especially those of adults. Know this, healthy relationships, of any kind should not cause you stress.
This week has made me realize how important boundaries are. Mine and those of others. They need to be implemented to protect your space and your heart. THIS IS HARD TO COME TO TERMS WITH as again I am a fixer. However, I cannot and will not be able to fix things. No matter how much I scream and beg, emptiness stares back at me. I will be here to listen and run to their aid when help is sought. And only when help is sought. In the meantime, I am going to channel my energy to my health and my writing. I can only fix Diana.
The only bright side in this black hole of a situation is my growing connection with others. Especially those I’ve met online through my writing and the workshops I’ve attended. This I am immensely grateful for because I am living in a time where I have felt the loneliest. Even more so than when we were on lockdown during the pandemic. I recently spoke to someone and in our conversation, we shared our troubles. She offered this valuable piece of advice “one day at a time,” she said. Indeed, I am working on myself and my emotions one day at a time.
This week
As I reflect on this week’s occurrences the itch to help is still there. However, I will do so by supporting my local organization; La Piñon. My birthday is next month and this year I’ve decided that the best gift I could give myself is donating my money. I chose this organization because they help survivors of sexual abuse. They believe them. Most importantly, they respect them.
La Piñon is a local organization in my home state whose mission statement is: La Piñon is a New Mexico non-profit organization. Founded in July 1992, La Piñon has provided 27 years of service to Doña Ana County and the surrounding Southern New Mexico region. La Piñon provides services to victims of sexual assault and child abuse. The services we provide include our crisis line, victim advocacy, human trafficking advocacy, legal advocacy, our Children’s Advocacy Center, SANE examinations, prevention education services, and our Kid Talk warmline. La Piñon is grateful to all of our splendid donors and community partners who help us to continue to provide our services to the community.
I will be posting receipts of my donation at the end of the month in July.
Now, there is no tactful way to ask for money. However, La Piñon could use the help. As an educator, I am often reporting what is reported to me by students. It is the hardest part of my profession. Yet, it is my ethical duty to be their voice. I have not seen 80% of them in over a year in a half. A police officer recently told me (as I was making a report) that they expect to see an increase in reports once the school year starts and all kids are back in the classroom.
Please, if you can, donate. [The donation page can be found here.] I offer this, a handwritten note mailed to you as my thanks to you for joining me in my pledge. I do not need to know if you decided to donate to La Piñon or to any other organization. Just send me a DM or an email to dhernandezgrad@gmail.com or a text if you have my number with something along the lines of done/donated.
Now, May I spoon you?
This week’s newsletter could not have been possible without Maryann. I wish I remembered how I came across her Instagram page. But I am so glad I did. Regardless, I looked through her page and I saw that she was offering a Trauma writing course. We exchanged messages and she was able to squeeze me into her course. It was a 4-week writers workshop with guest speakers, writing exercises, prompts, and the overall community. I took so many notes and used the prompts to create my own writing like the prayer I shared a couple of weeks ago.
This week’s newsletter is my most vulnerable and while all others are personal I can honestly say that without Maryann’s course I would not have shared as much as I did this week. I learned so much and a lot of it resonated with what my therapist says during my session with her. My biggest fear in sharing so much of my story is being judged. Yet, Maryann’s course helped me understand that it is my story. No one can take that away from me. I will not be silenced when speaking my truth.
Maryann is offering another course but this time it will be 6 weeks long! You can find details of her course here. Also, she has a podcast. Please check out her website for more details about her course and podcast.
Bonus
If you love everything skincare, check out this podcast I just came across. PERFECTION!
Thank you so much for your support. It means so much to me that you take time out of your day to support my work. Until next week, be safe and look after yourself!
This newsletter details my daily struggle with Lupus and what works for my body in order to help manage my condition. May I spoon you? does not provide medical advice. The contents of this newsletter are intended for informational/entertainment purposes only. Please consult with a medical professional before seeking new treatment and/or medication.
Looking forward to tomorrow's book club! :)